Humor

Celia Rivenbark’s Weekend Humor: The Russian Oligarchs’ Edition of “Below Deck”

Next season on “Below Deck: Montenegro”… Captain Sandy and Captain Lee decide to salvage a slow season by leasing their employers’ luxury yachts to Russian oligarchs whose boats are currently… uhhhh… unavailable. Here is an excerpt from “Below Deck: Russian Oliarchs Edition” coming soon to Bravo…

Captain Sandy: Welcome aboard, Sergei!

Captain Lee: Cut the sugar, Sandy. Listen, Sergei, we don’t like you. The only reason we’re letting you on board is because Bravo thought it would be a smart business move to have everyone in America hate you even more… Are you like the designated villain in The Bachelor, capiche? You’re rated gold, you @#$%!”

Captain Sandy: OK, that’s enough Lee. These oligarchs are our special guests, and we will treat them just like we treat anyone on Below Deck. We’ll smile in their faces and then, behind their backs, we’ll savagely laugh at their rampant alcoholism, disgusting personal hygiene and completely unrealistic culinary demands.

Captain Lee: Sounds good. And, to be fair, I hate just about everyone, not just oligarchs.

Captain Sandy: We know, Cap’n Crusty. Fun fact: Like most Americans, I didn’t know exactly what an oligarch was. I had to Google!

Sergei: Enough of this senseless chatter. Where are the maids? I’m late for my massage and lots of mimosas.

Captain Sandy: Hannah! Help the man! Sergei is our legendary chief stew…

Hannah: Are you just gonna let him talk to me like that? What a misogynist!

Sergei: Now you will go to Siberian Prison Camp 17 where the temperature is often below 50 degrees. I’m just saying…

Captain Lee: Why you….

Captain Sandy: OK, Lee, sit down and go yell at the boatswain and tell him how stupid he is.

Captain Lee: Sandy, you know me too well. It always relaxes me…

Captain Sandy: Hannah, bring her her glasses.

Sergei: You have Russian vodka, of course?

Captain Sandy: Uhhhh, no. We are an American registry and we are currently boycotting Russian products in solidarity with the Ukrainian people.

Sergei: You can join your talkative friend at Siberian Prison Camp 17… Maybe you saw him on the National Geographic Channel?

Captain Sandy: Hannah, please get some Titos for Sergei.

Sergei: Blech. Is this vodka made in Texas? Do I look like an American sorority? What is the next? White Claw?

Hannah: Oh look! Other oligarchs embark. Hope they are a little wiser!

Sergei: You should probably know that I’m actually NICE. Young lady, before greeting Dimitri, please rub my shoulders and feet and give me the name of your youngest sister. Ha!

(Voiceover) Coming later this season to Under Deck: Russian Oliarchs Edition…

Captain Sandy: Okay, everyone, let’s gather in the kitchen at 1:00 p.m. for the rush meeting.

Chief Ben: I can’t wait. You know I’ve never had such a demanding group to cook for and that says a lot. Who even knew meat jelly was a thing?

Hannah: So how did we do it? As wealthy as the oligarchs are, I imagine we’ll get at least $2,000 each.

Boatswain: To tell the truth, I’m glad to see them go. Captain Lee encouraged them to call me names like “stupid” and “lazy” and “dough-eating lizard boy.” I was right asking them to say “Moose” and “Squirrel”. They never got the joke.

Captain Sandy: Well, I hate to tell you this, but the envelope was empty. There was no tip, not a single rouble.

Hannah: Whaaaaaaaa????!!!!!

Captain Sandy: I’m really sorry. You have all worked so hard. But Sergei and Dimitri said the only good thing about the trip was riding the jet skis because at least they ARE Russian.

Captain Lee: Arrrrgh. I need to humiliate someone. Boatswain!!!!

Celia Rivenbark is a best-selling NYT author and columnist. Write to him at [email protected].