Humor

COLUMN: Senator Simpson’s humor is priceless to me | Opinion

If I could say a few words about Editor Amber’s op-ed on adopting pets from shelters… I couldn’t have said it better myself.

I’ve seen the proof 100 times – an adult dog rescued from a crate dispenses a lifetime of joyful, cuddly gratitude. It is a strange phenomenon to see how sad dogs who received a late home become the most loving and obedient.

During “Empty Shelter” week, save an infinitely grateful pet and thank me later. After the brief adjustment period, watch the cream rise to the top.

You know what’s almost as priceless as a rescued shelter dog – humor from Al Simpson. Big Al recently stood by my side during my IDWS (Inadvertent Driving While Suspended) hearing because that’s the kind of thing the man does for stumblebums like me. Ex-senators like that don’t grow on trees. As he stood beside me (I’ve never felt smaller) purely for moral support, Judge Darrah asked, “Mr. Blough is represented by Senator Simpson?

I said no and Al spoke up, “God knows if I represented my part in that courtroom; of course, most of them are still in the enclosure. I heard a laugh from the amiable judge and on the CCTV I saw Prosecutor Eichele lit up with a smile. Every time you make the opposing party laugh – even if you need a mercenary – it can’t hurt your chances.

In the joviality of the moment, I almost poked Al and said, “Tell them the one about the boy named Merkin.” However, not wanting to go over my coverage, I put a discretionary cap on it. I pleaded “guilty with explanation”, but the financial repercussions were more than reasonable.

It wasn’t the first time Al had spoken forensically on my behalf. Many years ago I appeared before Judge Ed Webster in a non-appearance case with no defense other than my dysfunctional habit of piling up unopened and forgotten mail. Al and our great mutual friend and Al’s teenage running mate, Charlie “Clell” Wynn, were sitting in the audience and Ed said, “We’ll wrap up after I let your witnesses speak.”

Al came over and launched into a brilliantly informative tutorial on my OCD and the resulting hoarding clutter in my pigsty. Then Charlie came forward and said, “You know, Judge, I have a developmentally disabled stepson and he actually has a legal guardian. I’m not sure Doug shouldn’t have one too.

I met DA Kolpitke’s eyes and imitated Rodney Dangerfield doing the tie loosening routine. I didn’t know that my friend Linda also wanted to speak on my behalf and said, “I too have a mentally ill son who needs a lot of extra care.

She returned to the gallery and Ed asked, “Mr. Blough, is there anything you would like to say before I pronounce sentence? I said in all sincerity, “Yes sir. I knew I was in trouble, but I never imagined I was so fucked up.

Again a judge and DA were amused and again the arm of the law squeezed gently with only an unopened mail defense conference failing a second time. If Gotti had been a sharper wit, he might still walk among us.