Humor

HUMOR: Nudity and stupidity in the news – Summer 2022 edition | Lifestyles

It’s July. Mosquitoes breed in neglected birdbaths, groundhogs destroy fruits and vegetables from my yard work, and grass grows faster than I can mow it.

That means it’s time for Nudity and Stupidity in the News – a semi-regular feature highlighting things that should stay hidden – Summer 2022 edition.

Let’s come to nudity.

“HEY BUDDY, LEAVE MY PETERBILT!” — On July 5, WFLA News Radio reported that a naked man was tied up on I-75 in Sarasota, Florida. Callers told authorities that a naked man was climbing onto a semi-truck parked on the side of the highway.

“abnormal behavior.”

People also read…

“…While we don’t know what precipitated this man’s actions, it is clear that he was exhibiting abnormal behavior,” Jones said. “It was a very dangerous situation for the man and motorists traveling on the motorway at the time. We are grateful that we were able to resolve the situation safely.

I can already imagine how this case will play out in court.

“Now, Mr. Jones, you have previously stated that my client exhibited so-called ‘abnormal behavior’. Mr. Jones, do you hold an advanced degree in abnormal psychology?”

“Good good good. And do you see my client in the courtroom today?”

“I maintain that it is completely normal for my client to be naked wherever he goes! Move to lay off!”

BE CAREFUL WHERE YOU SWING THAT STICK, JOHN – Homeowners in a Cape Coral, Florida neighborhood have seen just about enough of a man named John, who often comes out of his house naked to enjoy bonfires, according to an article on winknews.com.

“I laughed of course because it wasn’t super crazy the first time around,” a not easily shocked Cape Coral resident told the outlet. “I just thought the guy was like drunk or something and forgot to put some clothes on.”

But, the resident added, John has gone out naked at least three more times and enjoys lighting bonfires. And it’s been going on for a while, according to police records.

In June 2018, officers found John naked with a knife in his hand as he sang and danced around a fire. The report says John dropped the knife and began swinging a large wooden stick at police before they used a stun gun on him.

And that ended the weenie roast. But only temporarily, it seems.

NOT ALL NUDE NEWS ARE BAD — According to a July 5 article on tcpalm.com, the good folks at Treasure Coast Naturists, passionate about a clothesless lifestyle, had set their annual skinny dip for Sunday in St. Lucie County, Florida. They hope to break last year’s record of 431 people bathing there simultaneously.

They still have a long way to go for the coveted biggest skinny dip ever, which was achieved by 2,505 women in Ireland in June 2018, according to Guinness World Records.

Good luck, Treasure Coast Naturists. Just a word of advice: if a guy from Sarasota shows up hanging in the back of a Peterbilt with a guy from Cape Coral with a box of matches, a knife and a stick, don’t let them in.

And that’s all the time I have for nudity today. I have to scratch my skeeter bites, hunt a groundhog, and mow the grass. Fully clothed.

Hollifield is the editor of The McDowell News in Marion, North Carolina, and a humor columnist. Contact him at [email protected]