Humor

Weekend humor from Celia Rivenbark: Hot girl walkin’

Let TikTok make something as ordinary as walking around the neighborhood sound almost edgy. The “hot girl walk” is officially a TikTok craze. It’s a dubious honour. Last year, hordes of young people shocked their parents and orthodontists with another TikTok craze: filing their teeth to look like vampires. Turns out they just looked like IDIOTS.

TikTok isn’t always weird and harmful to your email. Most of the time it’s just derivative and not funny. That’s how less evolved types might describe this column, so yeah, that’s it.

Freezing honey in plastic bottles and then posting videos of you drinking it in the squishy stage? Stopped. Climb pyramids of poorly stacked milk crates? Wake me up for the inevitable compound fracture. Now that’s interesting.

The “sexy girl walk” was recently detailed in “Parade” magazine, which may have just officially ended the trend. It’s off-brand to read about the heat between ads for big button cell phones, limited edition pennies, uhhh, a penny, and vinegar “cures” for arthritis, isn’t it ?

But let’s not hate “Parade,” though it’s admittedly one of my favorite activities, and turn our attention to Mia Lind, the perky 22-year-old who “invented” walking while hot. Mia is adorably serious as she explains the three rules of hot girl walking. And, no, they’re not, “You’re not talking hot girl walks.”

Mia explains that a hot girls walk is different from a regular walk because you’re only allowed to think about three things: what you’re grateful for (kind), goals you’d like to achieve (motivating) and how sexy you are (wait; what?).

It’s fine if you look like Mia Lind, but for the rest of us, that last one could turn into “I’m hot!” It’s a hot girl ride and I’m really hot! No. My fault. Just sweat under the boobs…” And from there, self-loathing and questioning the advice of anyone who has never experienced the heartbreak of thigh rubs.

Lind herself completes a four-mile girls walk most of the time. Wow. I can’t drive that far without getting tired. So here is. I’m going to change that to, say, a mile, because that’s one of my personal goals!

The premise that you can only think of three things is completely unrealistic. Here’s how it would work for me…

OK, power jams and uplifting tunes? Check! Peppy new really hot old girl floral skort from Costco? Check! Willingness to embrace my long-dormant hot-girl attitude or one that may never have existed? Mmmmmkay.

Here we go ! I will think of all the things I am grateful for. Expect! I have one! I am grateful that the Johnny Depp-Amber Heard trial is finally over. By turns gripping and crude, the trial desperately needed a timer for the boring parts. At times like these, I could only gaze in wonder at that strange Medusa coil that Amber had wrapped around her skull as if it were a living, breathing thing. Did she just quietly give him a Chee-to? If you’re wondering exactly how superficial I am for focusing on the best supporting hair, the answer is “very”.

OK, next: Achieve goals.

Well, it’s easy. I want someone to look at me like Johnny Depp’s lawyer looked at him, and him like her. It’s the same way I look at an expertly made banana pudding.

And now I’m starving. I am grateful that I only walked a few meters. I kinda hate Mia right now. She says the real hot girl keeps her shoulders back and her step purposeful. You shouldn’t slouch or look like you don’t think you’re fierce.

I am determined to continue because the idea behind it is solid. Unless, of course, Mia says I’ll be even fiercer with the fangs.

Celia Rivenbark is a best-selling NYT author and columnist. Write to him at [email protected]